Derek Tillotson

A Change In Writing

As it is with a lot of people, change--or even just the thought of change--can hit me hard. Whether it's thought of people leaving my life, having to find a new job, or something disastrous occurring to myself or someone I care about, change is scary.

But sometimes the change that impacts me the most is a change in habit. Around this time last year, I was writing every day. It was mostly content like this--little blog posts that were mostly letters to myself. I always believed that the act of writing was meditative and provided a great service to myself. I would write far more than I would share, but I would share the ones that felt right.

But there got to be a point in 2020 where I started to place more of a focus on meditation. I would wake up in the morning and meditate. I would get home and meditate. And I quickly realized that meditation not-so-surprisingly offered meditative benefits as well. And as time went on, my meditative act switched from writing to meditation.

Through acts of God repeatedly poking my brain as I meditated (and later started learning a lot about Buddhism), my meditation started shifting into a combination of prayer and scripture reading. And soon, those times sitting with myself became sitting with God, and the books and lectures on Buddhism became the Gospels and sermons.

That change led to another change: Back to a time where I was neither meditating nor writing. Prayer and scripture are powerful, and I'm grateful that I have found my way back to my faith. But prayer and meditation don't accomplish the same thing. And my formerly-daily writing certainly has different effects.

No matter what change I come across in my adult life, it always has come back to writing. I've come across uncertainty in life as of late, and although prayer has become the main way to ease my mind, writing has become a supplemental tool to help me in that journey. I don't think I'll be writing every day, like I've done at times in the past. Maybe not even every week. But I'll be writing as a tool, rather than a habit. I know now that that was how I should have always done it.

Written July 16, 2021

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